No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize