I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
