my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
