i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
