the condom got lost in my hair
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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