She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
