What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
