I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
