a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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