Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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