My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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