wanna go halves on a baby?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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