Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
