If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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