LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
