someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
