saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my phone needs a breathalizer
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
