Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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