I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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