Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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