Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
