What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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