remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
