after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
