I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
