Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
