In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
