What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
