i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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