I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize