You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
