so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
