omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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