i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
