Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
