he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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