Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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