so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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