my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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