I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
