i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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