I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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