Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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