Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Terrible idea I love it
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
