You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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