Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
