yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
