I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
