You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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