I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
