I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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