I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize