did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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