i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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