We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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