Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
