Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
