So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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